The Nut Inside the Cracked Shell

     On Tuesday, February 21, 1995, while on winter break, a very young, cocky, carefree girl woke up excited about the day ahead. That night she was going to the guy's varsity basketball game to cheer. Yes, she was a cheerleader - typical in most ways - a flirt, cheery and just waiting until the day she'd be captain. I don't want to lead you astray, the sqaud was hardly 'great'. I mean, we did cheers and we had just competed a couple weeks before, where we very nearly won fourth place, had it not been for stupid judges and a girl falling (we were cheated), but most of us- including myself- weren't very typically flexible. Anyway, that's off topic, I was a cheerleader and loved doing it.

     So, that night we had game and I was looking forward to it. In addition to that, I had just gotten my permit (my birthday is December 11) and mom was going to let me drive over to my aunts house. My aunt lived a few miles away and had recently boughten a farm house with a barn. Even more recently, she and my dad had each boughten a horse. I'd been in love with horses my entire life, had collected figurines as a kid, but I'd never actually ridden one until the summer past. Even then it was a trail horse and it was slower that a turtle and older than dirt. Needless to say, having one was a thrill. I'd ridden a couple times before this day, but it was just around the yard and now my aunt was taking me riding around.

     Dad and Danny, my little brother, were in Alabama visting dad's parents so it was it was just my little sister, Jamie, mom and I going over. As it turned out though grandma, my mom's mom, came too and brought my two cousins, Jenny and Tommy. In addition my other two cousins, from dad's side who are my age, were there too. Now I ask you, why did fate decide all these other people had to witness such a thing at such young ages? I've never figured that one out. Anyway, there we all were and I had just cleaned Candy's feet (Tick's Cotton Candy - female - 1200lbs- Quarterhorse with one eye) and had her saddled up and began to walk around the house waiting for my aunt to saddle up A.K.

   So here I come, on top this huge horse, feeling confident and quite happy with myself. We walk around the front yard, down the damp, frozen, mudding slope. Under the gray, dead branches of the slumbering tree. Past the wood pile of frozen saw dust and mudd. Past my family and nearing the fence and we turn side ways - that's it, that's the instant.

     I feel myself gripping reins and then nothing. Those looking on see the horse arch her back and my body lunging forward, flying head first over the front of the horse - and I'm unaware that I'm there - that is, until my head begins to hit the ground. I see my chest fall and then my legs after that, but I feel nothing. No pain. No fear. No shock. Just, nothing. It's a split second in real time, but the moment seems to take forever.

     And there was the horse - she seemed stories above me- reering on her hind legs and looking crazy. That image would be the source of my nightmares for years to come. They've subsided now, but I have had a couple reoccurences. I should mention that no one remembers her reering up, but she did spook and run into the next field and it took my uncle awhile to catch her.

     The next image is my cousin, Chris, standing over me. I don't what words were said or who said them first, but soon I was telling them I was cold. Andy and Chris were telling me to stay awake and the phone was being passed above my head. The rest is all details that I remember clearly, but have no place in this passage.

     I spent next three months in Strong Hospital and then went to Pennsylvania for rehab for three months after that. I made them send me home July 31 because I wanted time for my friends, who hadn't seen me since April (except for a weekend visit in June). I'm glad I took the time, I needed them, need to get back to the familar so that in September I was comfortable going back to school for my Junior year.